the mind lab

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Sat, 10 Mar 2001

Marketing Theories 8 - How to spend your evenings

I often just spend a big marketing night just shittin-in cooking up ideas. I get a can of beans, eat them and let biology smoke those ideas like bees out of my mind.

[March 10, 2001 @ 05:05 PM]

Sun, 04 Mar 2001

Marketing Theories 7: Test Drive - The Movie

When you decide to make a movie, make sure you have a big company who you can advertise for and can in turn sponsor the project. That is why I picked Texaco for "Test Drive - The Movie". "Test Drive - The Movie" is about gas attendant Jesse Cobb who works at Texaco Gas Station (notice, Texaco are my advertisers!). One day, a woman in a mini-van gets full service. Jesse goes out to assist her and starts to fill up her car. All the sudden a group of collapsible scooter hooligans armed with slingshots race through the lot. They start firing their slingshots and Jesse gets hit, falls and pulls the gas pump down with him. Gasoline starts to pour all over him. The woman who owns the mini van gets out and is revealed to be a 20 year old red head knockout. She starts to squeal at which point the gang of collapsible scooter hooligans return and start to paw at her. She squeals some more. What the scooter gang doesn't know though is that the night before a group of woodland animals including mice, beaver and bats came by the gas pump which is now covering Jesse in gas and enchanted it. This portion of the movie, the enchanting of the gas that is, will probably have to be put before scooter fight so audiences aren't confused. Because it is enchanted magical gas, Jesse Cobb suddenly transforms into Automobile Man and beats up the collapsible scooter gang. He picks one of them up and throws them into a Mexican Restaurant across the street. The scooter driver flies through a window and into the kitchen where one of the Chef goes, "Es el scooter burrito!" and throws a flour burrito on the guy with the scooter. I thought this part of the movie would be insanely hilarious. That night Jesse and the red head, make sweet love soft core style. Lots of soft focuses. As a token of their love, Jesse gives, the red head, whose name is Valerie, a VHS copy of Mulan (cause all girls like Disney movies) and Texaco snow shaky bubble thing. In this scene I have brought the advertising full circle, by once again entering Texaco into the picture, just like Mission Impossible did with Apple. Maybe even Disney would give the movie a sponsor too.

[March 4, 2001 @ 07:57 AM]

Wed, 28 Feb 2001

Marketing Theories 6 - Don't use POVs to market your next product.

POVs are really bad to try and market your product with. I tried to integrate a couple into a power point presentation I was doing for Spiral Notebooks in the mid-90s once, but my 386 Wang Couldn't handle it. POVs take too damn long to load, and the people who make them usually don't have too much of a life; cause they never make POVs of anything interesting like 20 dollars whores Roman Showering one another. The POV artist usually sticks to the more mundane.

Picture: Somebody knocked over my POV glass of water.

[February 28, 2001 @ 08:47 AM]

Marketing Theories 5 - Water

Make sure you are always hydrated. Drink lots of water.

Picture: My Favorite Drinking Hole

[February 28, 2001 @ 08:35 AM]

Sun, 04 Feb 2001

Marketing Theories 4 - Self Defence

The other day I was coming home from work and this rubberneck jumped out the bushes and scared me something fierce. Man did I ever have a case of the screaming memmies. Luckily though I had my Kubaton Key Defence with me and I gave him a hearty whack to the skull cap to deter him from doing it again. Now if this or a similar event had of happened to most people, they would just let this go there. Maybe at most they'd complain to neighbourhood watch about the crap job they were doing, or they'd tell the tale to their friends at cocktail parties to make it sound like they led dangerous lives. I on the other hand decided to take my experiences and turn them from trauma, to cash. So I'm making a self defence video. It is gonna be good too. I'm thinking about having a re-enactment of the other evening's event in it too. I mean I realise now the guy was only a UPS worker. Still he shouldn't have been in a brown suit when he went to retrieve that box he dropped in the bushes. Bank robbers wear brown suits just like that. I've seen it with my own two eyes on TV. But the nice thing is we change the UPS thing when we make the video. Well give him a stocking over the head, a 15 inch bowie knife and a pirate hook hand. That is the amazing thing about working in the medium of media, it is a forum that allows its manipulators a great deal of flexibility in many different directions. I'd also like to use a Silverchair song in the video. Well have to see about that though.

[February 4, 2001 @ 07:50 AM]

Tue, 30 Jan 2001

Tin - Marketing Theories 3

What is made out of tin? Tin cans? No, they are made out of aluminum. That joke gets me every time, and it got me again today. This set my mind to thinking. Tin isn't used for anything. They don't make cans out of tin or planes out of tin anymore like the "Tin Goose". Tin is a forgotten metal. But what if Tin could be rediscovered like Marky Mark was rediscovered, but instead of using it in movies with George Clooney it was used for making stuff like tin cups, or "real tin" soda cans or even tin shoes? Heck they could even make little tin George Clooney statues like those Statues of Libertys that they sell in NY. Tourist eat that stuff up. Think about out, for I see a future, a future of tin.

[January 30, 2001 @ 10:08 PM]

Mon, 29 Jan 2001

Marketing Theory of Calculator Watches

The key to being able to do lots of market theories quick and efficiently is to own a calculator watch. I have two, the one I wear and a spare one in I keep in a mason jar just in case my other one breaks. It is just like an emergency cigar. If my calculator watch on my wrist breaks, I grab the mason jar and smash it against the photocopying machine in the room across hall (never smash glass objects in your room, it is a good way to cut your feet) and then Walla, I'm good to go.

[January 29, 2001 @ 10:15 PM]

Sat, 27 Jan 2001

Marketing Theories 2.B

They beat you in Mexican Jail.

[January 27, 2001 @ 12:41 PM]

Marketing Theories 2.A

Although... it isn't to wise to do this in Mexico, say around November 17th or so, and wind up in a bar fight. Spending the holidays in a Mexican Jail can be almost as bad as mixing moonshine, castor oil and a stomach full of baby carrots and greasy bacon together while you lean your head on the microwave in hopes of gaining X-Ray Vision. Either or is an acutely painful experience.

[January 27, 2001 @ 11:31 AM]

Marketing Theories 2

Start drinking at 10 AM Saturday Morning. You'll find your best ideas come to you on the weekends and even better ones come to you when they've had a chance to ferment under the influence.

[January 27, 2001 @ 11:23 AM]

Fri, 26 Jan 2001

Marketing Theories 1

I'm in the process of developing some new marketing theories in marketing. First off, be sure to pronounce "marketing" correctly. If you don't, you'll get unwanted laughs. When one says "marketing" they have to be sure to put extra stress and power behind the "k". You don't want to say "marcet". That sounds stupid. Nor do you want to say, "Markitty". That's pretty stupid too, if not stupider. So just say "marketing" and stress that "k". Make it sound as big and tall as a skyscraper and you'll be sure to get sales.

[January 26, 2001 @ 01:38 PM]

Wed, 15 Nov 2000

If you put a wasp in the microwave and turn it on... won't live. Doing acts like this is putting yourself on path to being a dirty Goth and listening to Maryland Mason.

[November 15, 2000 @ 04:24 PM]

Tue, 14 Nov 2000

Pubic Stove

I was in the lounge kitchen today and it occurred to me that maybe I should rip out a bunch of my pubic hair and throw it on the stove burner. I heated up the burner, gathered a bundle of loose pubs and did just that. The pubic hair melted. It smelled a bit funny too.

[November 14, 2000 @ 07:04 PM]

Mon, 30 Oct 2000

Spinal Shit

I shit so hard, I think I blew out a piece of my spinal cord. Man.

[October 30, 2000 @ 05:09 PM]

Tue, 19 Sep 2000


Good googa mooga! This is the type of thing I need to get into.

Link: Nanotechnology

[September 19, 2000 @ 03:55 PM]